Sunday, January 07, 2007

The abyss of liberty

Post Disclaimer :- Ramblings Ahead. Reader be forewarned.
Listening to :- The Riddle - Five for Fighting, Pretty Fly for a White Guy - Offspring, Fade - Staind

“If you stare into the Abyss long enough the Abyss stares back into you.” -
Friedrich Nietzsche

Some years ago, I stood alone under a moonlit sky. It was a starless void. The only light came from the moon. But a beautiful moon it was. Huge, round, a gleaming silver splash on dark blue velvet streaked grey.

That wasn't the best time of my life. It was a time of hopelessness. At that point, I didn't know what to do, or where to go. I couldn't see the path in front of me. The people around, most of them were oblivious to it. The external shell made sure of that. That night, I walked to the edge of the abyss.

For those people who know me now, I was once a very very different person. On the outside at least, not much has changed. Within though, I don't quite recognise the person anymore. The guy is no longer that of 5 years ago. The reason for this was the abyss.

Walking to the abyss, the first thing that hit me was immense fear. I had no idea of what was within. I had no idea how deep it was, how far I could fall. Like an acrophobic, at the pinnacle of a summit, the abyss was the ultimate death.

Looking into the abyss changes you they say. It shreds what you thought was you, chews it up and spits it out. Think of being turned inside out, your organs blended, and then poured in through your nose. The only bits that survive intact are those bits too tough to be blended by the blades of first contact. Those bits are parts of you, but they're not the soft, chewy, friendly parts that make you want to trust people, or the bits that make you soft and cuddly. What's left are the primal parts. Chunks of rashness and adrenaline, slivers of anger, but above all, a desperate need for survival. All tied together by a thin thread of duty.

Could I walk away from the abyss? I could not. I knew the only way to cross the abyss was to take a leap of faith. Faith in what I never truly realised till now. I needed to believe, to believe that I could do it. Because if I failed, there wouldn't really be a point anymore. So that night I leaped, soaring above the abyss, staring into it's depths... It would be a long ride.

I landed alright. But I had stared into the abyss, and everything within me had been torn up. I didn't realise it. How can you when everything, the nerve endings, the logic sections, the sinews of your being have been rearranged? Everything thinks everything is okay, because every bit is overloaded.

Life goes on, mornings come, evenings past. I met people, learnt new things, had different experiences.. Slowly the mush began to congeal, to take its new form. But the person I had once known was no longer there. I hope the new one is a better person, but I hope too that one day, the scars will heal. Five years later, I can finally look at the scars again, and maybe learn the lessons I couldn't while everything else was congealing.

I thank God for getting me through that time. I thank the several people who helped me down that path while not knowing it. I cannot yet say what will emerge, but I do know now that I will do whatever I need to survive.

You have no idea...